38: “She would make a truly excellent pimp”

Frank organized yet another night out with his friends. This time, however, Suze had the good sense not to bring her roommate and Wes’ ex-girlfriend Sybil. Or perhaps she had invited her and Sybil had had the good sense not to accept the invitation. In either case, it was definitely for the best. Suze did bring her friend Ye, though. Ye had apparently just moved back to Roehampton from Calgary and was staying on Suze and Sybil’s couch.

“It’s stupidly comfortable,” Ye told him and Oscar after she and Suze arrived. It was as if she was defending herself for sleeping on a couch for a prolonged period of time, but it was unnecessary. Frank wouldn’t have judged her and Oscar couldn’t judge her because he spent a ridiculous amount of his life lying on floors.

“Oh my God, so comfortable,” Suze gushed immediately afterward. “You should experience it. You should come over some time.”

“Did you just invite me to your home literally so I can sit on your couch?” Frank asked her dryly, one eyebrow raised.

“Yes, absolutely,” Suze nodded unashamedly. “You won’t regret it.”

“Well, no,” he agreed. “Why would I regret that? Unless you tried to poison me while I was there, it doesn’t really seem like something I would need to regret.”

“I don’t think anyone really needs to regret anything,” Ye pointed out shrewdly.

“Oh no, that’s not true,” Oscar stepped in without hesitation. “Some things very much need to be regretted.”

Frank assumed that was true because he had heard about the time Oscar had drunkenly vomited in a bouncy castle at a child’s birthday party.

Wes and Yusuf arrived next. Wes took a moment to scan the apartment, as if expecting Sybil to pop out from behind a bookshelf or something. Frank couldn’t tell if Wes was pleased or displeased with her absence. It honestly seemed like a combination of both. Yusuf rolled his eyes and shook his head, clearly noticing Wes’ reaction as well.

“He is so pathetic,” Yusuf commented to Frank under his breath when he passed him to get to the fridge. Frank merely laughed.

When Ramsay and Courtney returned from dinner, Frank organized a couple rounds of drinking games to get things going. He was hoping that at least one of his friends would take it upon themselves to be his wingman and he suspected he might need some inhibitions lowered to achieve it. Ramsay would be basically useless no matter what, even though Frank had been an excellent wingman to him, but Suze and Yusuf would probably be useful. He even figured Oscar could be helpful. He, after all, had managed to convince both Erin and Priscilla to date him. Priscilla, who had come as well, likely wouldn’t be any help to Frank. For one thing, she appeared to have the alcohol tolerance of a much larger middle linebacker. No number of drinking games got her anywhere near as drunk as everyone else.

“You’re like a pirate,” Oscar told her in awe.

“How many pirates do you know, man?” Yusuf returned. Oscar gave it some serious thought for a moment.

“I guess none,” he said, sounding almost amazed, as if he’d thought he’d known at least a handful of pirates.

On the way to the bar, Frank tried to coerce Suze into being his wingwoman.

“Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen,” she told him. They were sitting next to each other on the subway, across from Courtney and Oscar, who looked pitiful in comparison.

“But I need to get over Piper,” Frank started. Suze turned to give him a disgusted look.

“Ugh, stop,” she instructed, holding out a hand. “Gross.”

“All I said was that I need to get over Piper,” Frank protested.

“Yeah, but I know that you were about to tell me that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else and I think that’s horrible,” Suze told him. Frank laughed.

“Didn’t that work for you, though? You dated that guy who might be blind,” Frank reminded her. She glared at him.

“What does that mean? Might be blind?” Yusuf asked, leaning over Wes in his seat to see Suze and Frank.

“What do you think it means?” Ye returned wryly, though she hadn’t been around during the time Suze had been dating Adam, the man who may or may not have been blind.

“I’m just curious about the possibility of him being blind,” Yusuf shrugged. “Do we think he was faking it? Because that’s a far more intriguing story than him just walking into inanimate objects a lot.”

Frank laughed and Suze glared at both of them.

“I can help you get under someone new,” Courtney offered from across the subway car. Suze just shook her head in disappointment.

Frank had assumed that Courtney was joking, that she wouldn’t actually try to be his wingwoman. As it turned out, however, she was not. She had found Frank three different women within thirty minutes of arrival. Each woman was different from the last, but all quite beautiful. Frank chatted to each, Courtney piping in occasionally to offer further evidence of his many attributes, though Frank wasn’t sure any of them were entirely true. Still, it was nice of her. She was genuinely very good at it.

“Damn, she is working hard for you,” Yusuf remarked as Courtney set off in search of a fourth woman for Frank to hit on. “She would make a truly excellent pimp.”

“A compliment any woman wants to hear,” Suze remarked with a heavy dose of sarcasm as she walked past them, making sure to roll her eyes as dramatically as possible so that they wouldn’t miss it.

The fourth woman Courtney rustled up for Frank was striking and gorgeous. Frank was immediately taken with her. Her name was Monica, she was from a large Italian family, and her favourite drink was a vodka soda.

“That can’t possibly be true,” Yusuf said after she’d told them. “Both vodka and soda water are horrible.”

“Are you a strawberry daiquiri guy then?” Monica returned.

“Yes actually,” Yusuf nodded seriously. Frank, having once seen Yusuf drink more pina colodas in one evening than most people would drink in a lifetime, nodded as well.

The nigh was something of a blur after that point. Frank spent most of it with Monica, drinking vodka sodas. Monica even managed to convince him and his friends to do vodka shots with her at the bar. Frank agreed under the assumption that there would only be one vodka shot, but there were in fact three in a row for each person. Then Monica dragged them all off to take the dance floor by storm. Frank had a hell of time trying to keep up with her, but he enjoyed it all nonetheless.

In the morning, Frank awoke in his bed to find Yusuf lying next to him, snoring like a freight train, and Wes on the floor at the foot of the bed. Frank wandered out into the living room, feeling a little like his head had been stepped on repeatedly by someone in steel-toed boots, to find Ye sleeping on their couch and Suze curled up in one of the armchairs.

“Your couch is not nearly as comfortable as hers,” Ye told Frank, still lying down. Frank had thought she was asleep because she had her eyes closed.

“I threw up over the edge of your balcony,” Suze told him wearily. She looked quite green and her hair had been pulled back into a sloppy braid.

“Gross,” Frank told her bluntly. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, I’m fine now,” she replied. “But I think Monica is evil.”

Frank disagreed. He thought Monica was amazing.


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