40: “Succinct and cruel”

Melly and David, against all odds, had come to Iggy and Joey’s joint birthday party. Danielle and Jake had blatantly refused, claiming that they were too old to be behaving the way Iggy wanted them to. Jana and Dan hadn’t come either because they were the biggest homebodies in the world. But Melly and David had made the effort and come out to celebrate. They were developing quite an interesting dynamic because Melly was stone cold sober, due to the pregnancy, and David was off-his-face drunk. He was drunker than Oscar assumed he’d ever been in his entire life. He was drunk enough to dance on a tabletop with Joey’s insanely angry cousin Sabrina.

“How do you think this is going to turn out?” Oscar asked Ramsay, watching David try to twerk in his chinos.

“Poorly,” was Ramsay’s very succinct response.

Oscar had had a lot of experience with Drunk David; from high school parties, from university parties, from David’s disastrous bachelor party. What he’d gained primarily from all of that was that David could not hold his liquor. That wasn’t to say Oscar hadn’t had his own troubles. There was the time he’d thrown up in Iggy’s parents’ begonias and the time he’d thrown up in the bouncy castle. One notable time, he’d managed to light the back of someone’s hair on fire with a paper lantern. That had actually happened at his older sister’s wedding and she still brought it up to him years later. Oscar supposed that was her right since he’d lit her husband’s hair on fire on their wedding day. Though, in his defense, he had pointed out how stupid it had been to give him something on fire while he was that drunk. He wasn’t sure his argument had really landed though because he’d spent forty minutes immediately following eating leftover cake off of people’s plates.

David was the kind of drunk that alternated between crying, usually tears of joy thankfully, wanting to have deep, meaningful conversations that he would ultimately forget six hours later in the harsh morning light, and dancing like they were possessed. As he had already been dancing like an idiot on a tabletop with Sabrina, David quickly moved on to emotionally-wrought conversations with his friends about their future lives and all of the many things he wanted for them. David mostly wanted his friends to be as happy as he was, which was really quite lovely, but what it translated to was wanting them to get married as soon as possible and start popping out children. Robin got the brunt of it, but Miles and Oscar were not without their own tribulations.

“Being married is the greatest thing in the world,” David informed them as they were gathered around one of the tall standing tables. “Melly’s the best thing that ever happened to me. She makes me so happy. I’m so lucky to have her.”

All of it was lovely. It was also something David had been saying since they’d gotten together, which was also lovely. At the same time, however, the way David felt about Melly kind of sounded like how Oscar felt about hamburgers.

“That’s great, buddy,” Miles patted him on the back. His first mistake was speaking. David would’ve just rambled on and on until he either cried or got the urge to dance again, blissfully unaware of who he was actually talking to, if anyone at all. Oscar had witnessed David having likewise conversations with lampposts during their university years. But, by speaking, Miles had alerted him to the fact that he was actually with people he knew and cared about. And David cared very, very much.

“I think you and Iggy will be the next to get married,” he told Miles with a grin.

“I can’t get married,” Miles immediately countered. “I can’t even do my own taxes.”

“I don’t think the two are mutually inclusive,” Oscar pointed. “Fourteen year olds have babies sometimes. And they’re not legally allowed to get married nor can they do their own taxes I’m sure.”

“Well, I think Robin and Finch will be next,” Miles said in a transparent attempt to force the focus off of himself. Oscar rolled his eyes at him, but David was delighted. He turned to Robin, as if he was expecting a marriage announcement.

“Ugh, that’s horrible,” was Robin’s response, which David no doubt found most disappointing. “I’m not getting married. I’m only twenty-four.”

“Finch might feel differently,” David said with a sage air that was not remotely believable in that precise moment. He was so bleary-eyed. Oscar was surprised he was still upright.

“I’m almost one hundred per cent positive that he doesn’t, but I’ll check,” Robin said, reaching out and pulling Finch toward him as he was walking past. “Do you want to get married?”

Finch looked at him like he was insane.

“Fuck no,” he answered. David was crestfallen, definitely much more upset than Robin.

“Succinct and cruel,” Oscar remarked, nodding at Finch. “I like it.”

“We are so poor,” Finch said to Robin. “Get a real job, then I’ll marry you.”

“We have the same job,” Robin pointed out.

“Yeah. That’s how I know how shit it is,” Finch said. “Besides, we don’t even live together yet.”

“I didn’t know if we would be living together beforehand,” Robin told him. “I don’t want to offend your delicate graces.”

In response, Finch pushed him away by the face and walked off, continuing on his way to the bar.

“Well, Oscar,” David began, setting his deliriously happy sights on him.

“No,” Oscar cut him off immediately. David slumped back in his seat, looking a little watery around the eyes. It had only been a matter of time really.

The night came to a close with David back on the table with Joey’s cousin Sabrina. Melly didn’t look particularly impressed, though Oscar was sure that had less to do with Sabrina than it did with David’s truly spectacular and embarrassing dancing ability. He had a tendency to dance primarily with his joints, mainly his elbows.

“He’s not a great dancer,” Miles observed.

“He dances like a recovering stroke patient,” Robin returned, which, though terribly unkind, was very accurate.

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